A Keeper & The Blues

I met with my new trainer on Wednesday and I think he’s great. It’s weird how certain motions are difficult for me. His goal over the next month is to open up the tension in my neck, shoulders and back so that on race day I feel light and full of energy. The idea is that I’ll have more energy because I won’t be fighting the tight spots in my body. I’m so happy I made this switch. He’s a keeper.

I also am finally getting over this sickness. I had a great tempo run yesterday, even though breathing is still a little labored. I averaged a 7:44 over the tempo portion, which was 6 miles this week. The total run was 13.1 miles in 1:47. That’s 10 minutes faster than my half marathon PR from November. Yay!


I’m not a big Facebook or Twitter person, but I stop in both time to time so as to not be the relic I actually am. This morning I saw that my “baby” brother is having an art show tonight in Kansas. I so wish I could go. I am not close to my siblings and never was close to my brother except a brief period in my early 20s and his tween years (I didn’t live at home — go figure why that was when we got along. Also, we bonded over Beavis & Butthead). My sister and I have had our moments of closeness, but not much at all in the last 8 years when she moved near my parents. My parents think nothing of going into my sister’s house and rearranging her furniture and pictures on the wall when she’s not home. They say horrible things about her behind her back. I’m sure most of it isn’t even true judging from the things they’ve said about me behind my back that aren’t even rational half the time, nevermind a realistic portrayal of me.

20140404-122137.jpgLooking at my brother’s Facebook post, I was hit by sadness and by how much I miss him and my sister. By my longing for a relationship with them. To a degree, I understand why that is so difficult. When my sister lived in another state from our parents and she and I were close, my mother gave her hell for talking to me. So my sister would either cancel plans with me to escape the wrath or not tell my mother she was speaking to me. It was hard on my sister. Now that she lives near them, I don’t stand a chance. I’m grateful that she still emails me on my birthday. That’s an act of defiance on her part.

Our mother is terrific at one thing: driving wedges between her kids and our dad. No lie is too small. I gave up fighting it for my own sake, but I gave up so much in doing so. Sometimes, like this morning, it hurts so badly. I want to do something drastic to try to make it all right again. Lay myself on the train tracks so my mother can run the train over me. Again.

But I won’t because it always ends badly. I try to be strong, but I’m not strong enough for that, for the malignancy that is my mother. I may never be strong enough. So I stay safe instead.


23 thoughts on “A Keeper & The Blues

  1. Awesome run. Congratulations. I’m impressed. Also I’m sorry about your family. I have someone close to me that is dealing with a lot of rejection from her parents (though not what you are going through). It is so hard to see them treat her the way they do. I just don’t understand how a parent can act in such a way and not have compassion on their own children. Keep running and I’m glad you’re feeling better!!!

    • Thank you. I don’t really understand my mother’s behavior other than I know she’s not mentally well. I will say that running really, really helps. My dad used to run, and in some ways, it makes me feel close to him even though we are not in touch.

  2. Well done on the run and on standing strong to protect you. N’s #1 rule is they always win and rule #2 is refer to rule #1. Sad that the choice must be made. It’s okay to grieve the loss.

  3. Sorry about that. I’m really close with my sis, but not as much with my bro. My dad and I get along really well, but my mom and I butt heads occasionally. You never know I guess how people will relate. Beavis and Butthead were really funny, btw.

  4. Honestly, I feel for your situation and in some ways it mirrors my own. My dad does this with my siblings, though my brothers and I have always vowed to stick together. I used to get the wrath of all of it, until I recently pulled back after my MAMA Ps death. Though my youngest brother has seemed to join forces with my dad, I feel so much less stress by not having to deal with it at all. Hugs to you…Id happily become your long lost sibling:)

  5. I’m sorry to read about your family issues, especially of being far (emotionally) from your brother and sister, whom you’d like to be close with. I hope you are able to somehow work it out.
    That’s a great run, great time for a half marathon distance! Did you feel it was race effort?

    • It didn’t really feel like a race effort except the last couple miles of the tempo run (which were the fastest miles). It’ll be interesting to see how my goal race half marathon in June goes.

      And thank you. I hope one day we’ll have better relationships. I have hope for that still.

  6. Awesome run! I can relate to so much in this post, there is a person in my family that raises havoc/starts drama and is just plain unkind, I have learned ways to deal with her and the situation but it continues to be difficult to deal with sometimes. Hugs to you! 🙂

    • Thanks!

      I’m always amazed when people tell me they have similar situations and/or understand. I felt so alone in this sort of mess until I was much older. It’s too common. I don’t understand why some people live on creating drama.

      Hugs to you too.

      • Same here, you are definitely not alone! And unfortunately the less people react to this person’s behavior the worse it gets, so there is really nothing we can do. And I don’t understand it either. Maybe a part of it is not being happy with themselves and not wanting to look at why, so they look for ways to divert the attention or something ? Either way, its just plain sad!

  7. jsrelease@gmail.com says:

    PV – Thinking of you. I know how much it sucks. It’s hard enough having an N-mom, but losing your siblings and father too really sucks. Hugs.

  8. Families are an amazing thing … in pretty much every possible way! I have to confess that I always wonder when I read people talking about their parents as their ‘best friend’ … but I hope it is generally true.

    My wife’s family is full-up with poison relationships. It wasn’t great before her father died, but that was a catalyst for a full-out breakdown. She has tried to maintain a relationship with her sister, but time and again the toxicity becomes too much … and I think this most recent break might be the last.

    Mine isn’t much better, we’re just better at ‘playing nice-nice’ 🙂 I have a very good relationship with my brother – better since he has gotten divorced (his wife was a wonderful passive aggressive wedge). My sister is also divorced, but we really haven’t had a relationship in years. And with my parents we have reached a ‘tenable stasis’ – we will never visit them in SC and my kids really don’t care but are happy to cash their checks …

    • I’m really sad to hear about similar estrangements a in your family. One thing I do have is awesome in-laws in my mother-in-law, step mother-in-law and my husband’s aunt and uncle and their kids (my father-in-law sadly passed last summer, but he was pretty great too). Sometimes how great they are underscores how weird my family of origin is. Like you, I give a side eye to those with BFF parents, but I also hope it’s the real and healthy thing.

  9. Hi, I’m new-ish to my blog, but I started it as an outlet. My mother is a narcissist, too. She drove a wedge between my sister and me that we are just now really starting to repair. We have made a breakthrough this year just by talking back and forth on facebook about it (I think we’re both better at typing it out). I pray that you are able to do the same one day. My sister and I are still working on it, but we’re making progress. It does take time. I don’t have many entries yet, but I’m desperately seeking others who can relate if you can take a moment to look at my blog, as well! Thank you and thank you for sharing your stories, too. Daughters of narcissism are stronger than we even realize, I think.

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