Hanging by a Thread

I mentioned that this isn’t my favorite time of year. In addition to having unpleasant memories of Christmases past, both my grandmothers passed away this month two and three years ago.

All the commercializations and excessively early decorations and Christmas music does not help.

What’s funny is how many days this month I’ve muttered to myself, “Why do I feel so goddam cranky for no reason?”

You’d think I’d remember why I’m feeling blue.

At least I’m not feeling homicidal, which I have on at least one Christmas shopping occasion that, for better or worse, ended with me at a bar in the mall’s restaurant with a large glass of Chardonnay.

If I could go on a trip to a place that does not celebrate Christmas, I would. I’m pretty sure my mother-in-law would kill me if I tried it, though.

I’m distracting myself the best I can, but the truth is, I feel horribly uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment. I don’t want that glass of Chardonnay, but the desire to numb myself is definitely there. It’s times like this I wish I were someone else, a better person.

And it’s annoying as hell.

Focusing on all the great in my life really helps. I’ve got plenty to be grateful for and enjoy. My life is far from sad.

Anyway, this post isn’t to garner sympathy or anything. It’s just venting a bit. It’s probably a healthy sign that I am aware of what and why I’m feeling this way. Keeps me from being stupid.

So, thanks for listening.


9 thoughts on “Hanging by a Thread

  1. I think half the battle is figuring out what the real problem is. I’ve actually enjoyed Christmas this year, it’s so peaceful and calm compared to the frenetic insanity of choosing to self-publish, right before Christmas. What was I thinking? I thought it was a good idea at the time, and maybe it’s better than I realize. I haven’t had time to think very much about Christmas or notice the daily insanity in the house. Do something really nice for you, a treat or something, for recognizing the problem and for making it through without completely wigging out.

  2. Doug Hart says:

    It gets worse every year. The constant barrage from Madison avenue gets even more mindless and contrived. I end up feeling like an ATM being poked and prodded into spitting out more cash than ever.

  3. jsrelease@gmail.com says:

    I think it’s a great sign that you are able to recognize what’s going on. To actually think, why am I so cranky? Fuck. I’m just cranky. I don’t have time to think about why.

    So, I think you’re doing good is what I’m saying. And I’m thankful for a post like this to remind me I’m not alone out there, struggling right now instead of ramping up holiday cheer.

  4. “…I wish I were someone else, a better person.”
    Yk, it’s not about “better” (what ever that means) or even striving to be…anything. Sometimes, it’s about remembering. And consolidating. And sitting still long enough for all of it, good, bad and indifferent to create a different type of mosaic across our lives and our memories. This has been a period of tremendous change and transformation in your life, PV. In every way. You spent years being numb-even apart from the booze because that’s what you needed to get by. Numb isn’t bad-it’s necessary at times.
    The Thawing Out is occurring. And no, it’s not fun or comfortable. Nothing new ever is initially. The skin you’re in is being tailored to fit you now: Please stand still while the tailor does their work.
    It will be a unique, custom, couture “fit.” Promise.

  5. You aren’t alone. A lot of us don’t like the commercialization. This year, we decided to keep everything simple–minimal gifting and no party. Just us. It has really helped to take the pressure off.

  6. I find your strength astonishing….I mean it! It may suck right now, but you are aware of your surroundings, and the source of your feelings. Not everyone can recognize that! I’m sending you a giant hug and hopes for you to one day look at Christmas as something way more wonderful than was given to you in the past! If nothing else, I think you’re awesome!…. Very inspirational:)

  7. Some positive thoughts going from my place to yours. Hope you get through it.
    I tend to run in these situations. I find a long slow distance run becalming when the storm is threatening to rage. A few hours by yourself, with a mind being slowly cleared by an almost-hypnotic repetitive action and increasing levels of endorphins.
    Bring on New Years, huh?

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