I’m very quiet in large group situations. By large I mean that the majority are people I don’t know and the group can be as small as four other people. Right now, I’m supposed to be in the middle of what feels like the thousandth hour of memorial services for my father-in-law who died almost 2 months ago. My husband and I are in my FIL’s hometown.
I say “supposed to” because I just had to leave the country club room where everyone is gathered. I felt freaked out and the wine and booze being freely passed out was looking way too appealing. Drinking was my favorite way of getting through social events. It’s not an option now and I’m grateful I’m planning to run the half marathon Sunday if for no other reason than it keeps me from grabbing a proffered glass of wine.
I feel like a shitty person for needing to be outside. This is a family event, even if I only know 10 people out of the hundred or so here. I wish I had it in me to be a better person through this, but the best I can do at this moment is not pick up that first drink.