Panic at the Country Club

20130912-191812.jpgI might’ve mentioned I’m not much of a social creature.

I’m very quiet in large group situations. By large I mean that the majority are people I don’t know and the group can be as small as four other people. Right now, I’m supposed to be in the middle of what feels like the thousandth hour of memorial services for my father-in-law who died almost 2 months ago. My husband and I are in my FIL’s hometown.

I say “supposed to” because I just had to leave the country club room where everyone is gathered. I felt freaked out and the wine and booze being freely passed out was looking way too appealing. Drinking was my favorite way of getting through social events. It’s not an option now and I’m grateful I’m planning to run the half marathon Sunday if for no other reason than it keeps me from grabbing a proffered glass of wine.

I feel like a shitty person for needing to be outside. This is a family event, even if I only know 10 people out of the hundred or so here. I wish I had it in me to be a better person through this, but the best I can do at this moment is not pick up that first drink.

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4 thoughts on “Panic at the Country Club

  1. tundrawoman says:

    PV, Believe it or not, not too many will notice you “stepped out for some air/private time.”
    Just look around at the beautiful setting. Take some deep breaths, slowly. And remember your FIL in your own private way.
    You’re fine and taking some private time. All the sights and smells, sounds of glasses clinking are just that.
    You can be sure, some of them are also iced tea or water. This is a Memorial. Please keep in mind you have your own memories of FIL.
    And they are your’s alone.
    TW

    • I don’t think anyone noticed me slipping out. I just feel badly that I had a panic attack.

      Thank you for your kind comments. They really helped. I think I’m just feeling overwhelmed. I was engulfed with feeling angry about my FIL’s death. That’s probably my cover for sadness. Or maybe I’m just angry. 😦

  2. One or two or three of them probably wished they had the courage to find a moment alone. Needing to be alone in such a situation isn’t usual or selfish. Actually, it shows a great deal of courage and strength. The old you would have simply given in and gone with the flow. The new you has too much respect for yourself. ((Pandora Viltis))

  3. jsrelease@gmail.com says:

    I don’t think there is anything wrong in needing to take some moments to take care of yourself. When you feel better, you can go back in and do what you need to do.
    This must be hard. Having one funeral/memorial is A LOT. Having many of them must be difficult (on you and your DH.)
    I was so busy care taking as a kid, I never took care of myself. I think a lot of us are like that. But it’s OK now to decide that you need to look after you too. That’s being healthy. Thinking of you.

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