This Explains Alot About Me

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Can of worms, The Scream… all warm & fuzzy

Apparently it is common for those with abusive childhoods to self-soothe with things that made them happy as a kid even when they become adults.

You guys should see the things I’ve reclaimed from my childhood. Not quite a collection, but still a real shrine of sorts. It always puzzled me why some of these things meant so much to me. I kind of thought it was my way of taking back what my mother stole. I still think that’s partially true, but I also think these things were escapes for me that still provide comfort when fear knocks on my door.

It also may be a form of regression. [here is an interesting, if overly scientific wordy, article on Security-Based Self-Representations that discusses attachment theory. It’s only ancillary to this post, but I thought it was interesting.]

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My sister then brother actually had this one. Envy much?

There is a part of me that is wildly optimistic, innocent, curious and childlike. Given the negativity I was surrounded by, I’m not sure how I retained any of that. It’s as if I locked it up inside somewhere, which also may explain how my childlike enthusiasm can get me a bit into trouble at times. I’m no good at regulating it; it’s either on or off (or was dulled or heightened by alcohol in my drinking days — not such an effective coping mechanism). I’m all out trying to make things happen, attacking and researching every angle. I tend to think there are many ways to skin a cat, and I have trouble accepting when some things really can’t work out no matter what I try.

So I sometimes retreat and lick my wounds. And buy nostalgia on eBay.

At any rate, after posting about Superstar Ken and my Barbie’s bakery dreams, I had an urge to seek out the Play-Doh bakery set like the one my sister and I used. I’m sure they have one on eBay. But what I am thinking right now is: what am I afraid of in this moment that makes that purchase seem so appealing to me?

Food for thought.

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These books carried me through.

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3 thoughts on “This Explains Alot About Me

  1. Magical stuff on those shelves. I gave away most of my stuff animals to a children’s crisis center. I’ve since replaced the collection with smaller versions. I miss having a dog. Your life has been turned upside by the loss of a loved one. When I’m drawing on my childhood I’m usually trying to tie my life together. When the LOTR movies came out, it was the first time I could tie my present to my past in a positive way. I’m still a huge LOTR fan. I’m creating happier memories to my past while fully aware my past was horrendous. I suppose I’m really replacing memories. I can’t change the past, but I can make happy memories now… fully present.

  2. Syd says:

    The memories of childhood toys and games can be comforting. Maybe those were the times that you felt most secure. I know that they were a great escape for me. And they remind me of a simpler time.

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