I’ve never been one to have a ton of friends, and I’m comfortable with that. I am a textbook introvert, and socializing tires me out. I’d probably be an introvert by nature, but having a sociopathic mother compounded my shyness.
At the moment, my small cache of friends live all over, but none nearby. I have a tendency to “click” with outsiders rather than those who are local to where we live. I’m not from here; I’m not from anywhere, really. Northeast US is more or less accurate, but I’ve also lived in the south and Italy. Because my friends are slightly more cosmopolitan, they also tend to move away again. Or I move away.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I need a female friend to hang out with. I am close to my husband’s cousin and he comes over about once a week. However, as much as I gravitate towards male friends, I do like finding women I can connect with.
Part of the “click” issue is that my mother’s influence makes me mistrust women. It’s an unfair prejudice that I work against, but it is work. And a lot of women are untrustworthy backstabbers. I’ve got a few wounds to prove it.
More recently, the Boone debacle has me mistrusting my instincts. Usually they have served me well, but that friendship/business relationship went so awry and I feel I willfully missed the signs. I’m angry with myself, still.
Over the last few months, I’ve really enjoyed my sessions with my personal trainer. She’s a cool lady who kicks my ass, but we also have great conversations while working out. A few times, she’s dropped hints about getting together outside of our training sessions, but I’ve been non-committal. I’m totally gun-shy. I really like her and she even mentioned today that she too has more guy friends than girl friends.
Today she gave me a perennial plant for me and my family along with a sympathy card for my father-in-law. She also mentioned any time I was near her house, I should grab her for a run or that my husband is welcome to use her pool.
So, what am I so scared of?
Awareness of my problem will help, but I really would like to extend this into a real friendship. I don’t want to be second guessing myself and thinking I am somehow going to mess it up (I seriously doubt she’ll use me like Boone did, so my concern is that she’ll just flat out reject me for me).
I’m trying to look back at the Boone incident with wiser, but kinder to me, eyes. I got burned, but it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t leap again. I could really use a friend and I’d like to be one too.