Sometimes I just don’t know about myself

20130529-113016.jpgThis year marks my sixth or seventh attendance of Book Expo America. It’s usually an event I am over-the-moon about.

I’m reminded that being sociable is an effort for me. So every person who asks me “what do you do and why? are you a blogger? what books do you read” takes a parcel of my energy with them. Plus, protocol says I have to ask the same of them, even though I don’t especially care.

I sound cranky. I’m not, not really. All I can think about is when I might be able to steal away to get my feet and running gait analyzed at the Asics flagship store.

I’m not here as a blogger (and telling book bloggers that my blog is primarily about my struggle with recovering from a narcissistic mother goes over like a lead balloon) and I’m not here as an author. I’m here as a publisher who is feeling disenchanted with the industry.

I am a reluctant networker at best, so when one of the first people to chat me up this morning pronounced, “This is not really about the sessions, it’s about the networking you do outside the conference sessions,” I felt my stomach turn over. Most of the time I can rally and try to act like a normal human being, but today I’m just not feeling it. Which begs the question:

What the hell am I doing here?

I think I’m suffering a touch of imposter’s syndrome. It’s quite silly of me to be in the middle of NYC and just want people to leave me alone.


8 thoughts on “Sometimes I just don’t know about myself

  1. Wow… I’m not the only one… I also attend conferences, occasionally. People tell me it’s about the networking, and I wonder why I’m there. I enjoy spending time with friends I see only once a year, laughing, and taking a break. I don’t like crowds, but I enjoy seeing my friends. I have to take breaks away and make special eating plans. So why do I go? I want to be there. Being there gives me a sense of being involved. They can network. I’m going to catch up with myself, and this is part of me. Thanks for the post! I hope you have a great time on your terms.

  2. I understand the imposter feeling, but really I think it’s an introvert thing. When I’m forced into situations like that, I don’t appear to have the same level of enthusiasm others do for the extraverted aspects of a conference. Definitely do your solo stuff; it makes me feel good when I can get away to do that.

  3. I am so with you. Some days I forget my true nature and find myself doing things I know I’d rather not. Le sigh.

    PS: My very first blog was about the very same topic πŸ™‚

  4. I vote for “steal away” asap for a bit so your real “other agenda” gets acknowledged as well! πŸ˜‰ You did bring your Ruby Slippers, right? Maybe you need to slip them on and go for a nice, leisurely run (with a gas mask, huh??!)
    Hope you bring back lots of goodies-the ones you were kind enough to send me last year were muchly appreciated!

  5. I understand the imposter syndrome. I felt that keenly in many career activities. But it was a direct result of feeling that I had nothing to bring to the table–and that was because I was affected by the feelings that I didn’t belong and wasn’t good enough. I am an introvert also and simply cannot muster the bluster to network and yammer on with large numbers of people. I know my limits of how much socializing I can do and then have to stop.

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